Fear of Relationships

I am afraid of relationships. I am not only referring to romantic kind of relationships, but also other kinds of relationships like friendship.

It feels great to build a relationship. I start of talking to a person I just met, trying to get to know one another. As days go by, my relationship with that person deepens and we start to share much more personal things. At that very moment, I begin to ask yourself: “Can I trust this person?”

Here goes the part I hate. Doubt. When my doubt enters, I soon find myself paranoid. “I feel like if I open this him, he may judge me,” “Should I even bother telling these to him, maybe he’s busy,” and the list of these doubts goes on.

As the doubt continues to cloud my mind, I distance myself to that person. I don’t reply to his messages (may it be seen or not) as often, the kind of enthusiast I first showed to him is no longer present, and I simply don’t give a fck anymore. Soon that person may realize that something is wrong and begins to wonder if he had done or said anything wrong. Don’t worry, it’s not your fault.

So the relationship is destroyed. The cycle continues.

I do hope to learn to embrace this insecurity in myself. It's really difficult on my part to fix this, and I do think I need that extra push to make me realize my worth to others. 

*when I use he, not necessarily the male counterpart; but, in general male or female.